"Playing the Banjo"
Getting over-excited between the sheets is his thing,
Whoops, he's gone and snapped another banjo string.
He loves his Xbox and writing his blog.
Since the law of the playground, he's been called Log.
"The Pritt Stick"
Can he get through this feature without mentioning his dick?
Yes, but only after he's sniffed yet another pritt-stick.
Coming up with new features, his best he tries.
See, here's a new one from Jonathan Blyth.
"God Parenting"
To his professional commitments, he's rather errant.
For example he's quite a reluctant god-parent.
To avoid disappointment here comes your prize.
Enjoy this lovely fresh feature courtesy of Jonathan Blyth.
"The Secret"
This is important, please come what may,
Don't let his granddad know that he's gay.
But here he is, so all please rise.
Let's enjoy another tall tale from Jon Log Blyth.
"Where's My Toast?"
He loathes long-haul flights, he's proud to boast,
But whatever you do just don't pinch his toast.
Come on Steve, come out of that bog,
Come listen to another feature, as told by Log.
"Bathtime Accident"
He may be cute and always up for a laugh,
But he comes from a land where they poo in the bath.
So after an amazing week of absurdity,
Here to tell us all about it is Steve Hogarty.
"Catching a Bite"
He likes his bike and dogs, and he just loves to steam,
but to aquatic-based life, he's really rather mean.
Put down that latest simulator would you please?
It is time for a feature and your audience awaits you, Steve.
"Steve the Escort"
I've offered him dinner and even currency,
But still the fucker won't sleep with me.
He's Ireland's answer to Justin Bieber,
And now it's time for Steve's regular feature.
"Tormenting Twitter"
Watch out P.R., that I regret to announce,
that he's always teasing corporate Twitter accounts.
Here he is, bursting with alacrity,
With his brand new feature, it's Steve Hogarty.
"Steve the Joker"
"Your dog's been run over!" is how he made his friend cry.
What made that worse - it was a big damn lie!
Practical jokes he commits with ease,
So best be careful, 'cos it's time! Time for Steve.
"The Protester"
He claims to be a hetero and make out that he's butch,
But methinks the lady doth protest too much.
So take your seats, and pay attention please.
It's time to listen to Matthew Lees.
"Just Like That"
The illegitimate grandson of Tommy Cooper,
He's often found in a hazy drunken stupor.
The wait is over, there's no need to tease.
It's another new feature from Matthew Edward Lees.
"Balloon Genitalia"
His crazy hair makes him look like he's quite the prat,
Then he goes and tops off that "look" with a balloon genital hat.
But settle down audience, and he'll try to please.
Here's a brand new story from Matthew Lees.
Well it looks like he's gone and picked up a brand new feature,
and just for once it's not another bout of Gonorrhoea.
He often can't see the wood for the trees,
But he's always trying his best, it's Matthew Lees.
Well now who'd have thought he'd stoop this low?
He only came up with this feature five minutes ago.
It's probably all about just splitting the cheese.
And that's been turned into a feature, by Matthew Lees.
"Episode One"
Episodes of Regular Features are always loads of fun.
But where was this taffy woolly-backed bender in episode one?
Is it a bird or a plane, let's wait and see,
It's a hairy gorilla! Wait, no it's Gav Murphy.
"Don Draper"
He gets into fights, so say the boys in blue.
He falls to pieces after just a drink or two.
So what's he been up to now, it's time to see.
It's the Welsh Don Draper, it's Gav Murphy.
"Rejected Donation"
Sat in that wicker chair, he donates with ease.
But then he gets rejected 'cos his spunk won't freeze.
And now another new feature - will it be a laugh?
Here to tell us about it, it's CymroGav.
"The Yorkshire Ripper"
He's been a taffy beard monster since he was a nipper.
Now it is worse - he looks just like the Yorkshire Ripper.
What's he prepared, it's now time to see.
It's the Welsh sheep shagger, it's Gavin! Gavin Murphy.
"Toilet Seat"
Often quite gruesome, his features are far from sweet,
Like when he caught his leg fat under the toilet seat.
It's that time again, can we contain our glee?
Here comes another feature from Gav Murphy.
"Off the Bat"

Here's another episode straight off the bat,
Three wonderful features, and one from Matt.
"Safety Zone"

It won't be safe so stand back at least ten metres.
Our boys are about to shock us and expose their features.
"Under the Hat"

Where do they find their features, are they under their hat?
No, they're in the back of the closet, just like Matt.
"The Pogues"

Matt regards the last Pogues album with animosity.
Pity Log's just gone and nicked it for him from H.M.V.

See also sister-site: "Regular Features Scripts"